1. Extend your vowels
One of the fastest ways to be more attractive to your man, in the moment, is to extend your vowels when you’re speaking.
If you’re constantly rushing through your sentences and speaking to him like you’re in a boardroom, then eventually he’s going to start seeing you as more of a work colleague than a lover.
But if you get out of your head, drop into your body, and slow down the pacing with which you speak, this will draw him more deeply to you in an instant.
Believe me… there’s a HUGE difference in how men receive, “You look nice”, and “Baaaabyyy…. you look so haaandsommme!”
And, it should go without saying, but don’t extend them to a comical/ridiculous degree. Just slow your speech down a bit compared to whatever your authentic, natural pace would be otherwise.
Sound too good to be true? Try it out. Don’t be surprised if he pounces on you and gives you all of the physical affection you could handle.
2. Invite him into his senses
More often than not, men are living in their heads.
One of the greatest gifts that the feminine can give to the masculine is to invite it back into the realm of the senses.
Say he’s rattling off numbers, and goals, and facts and figures to you (maybe recounting his day to you over a home cooked meal that you prepared for him), and you sense that he’s stuck in his head and not being very present with you.
You can counteract his headiness by offering him a spoonful of the food you made and saying, “Mmmmm… have you tasted this? It’s so fresh! Doesn’t it just dance on your tongue?” Or standing up, walking over to him, and kissing him on the cheek. Or rubbing his shoulders for a moment.
The feminine reminds the masculine about life. It reminds the masculine that life is happening, right now… not far off in the future when goals and accomplishments are achieved. But today, in this very moment. Be a positive force that brings him back to his body, and he will begin to associate his presence, groundedness, and connection to his body with your positive influence in his life.
3. Compliment him
While most men aren’t predominantly driven by praise, they still very much appreciate a genuine compliment from their lover once in a while.
There are two things you’ll want to compliment the most (as long as these things are actually true for you).
First, you’ll want to compliment things that you perceive as being most central to his identity. Second, you’ll want to compliment things that you believe he feels the least confident about. I will give examples of each of these two things.
Say your man feels heavily identified with the work that he does in the world (not at all uncommon for a modern man). When was the last time you complimented your partner in regards to his career? Have you told him that you find his passion sexy? If yes, recently? Have you told him that you find his dedication to mastery in his work life attractive? Have you told him that you love how lit up he gets when he talks about his job? If not, why not? Again, you only ever want to deliver compliments that are 100% true for you, so if these themes aren’t readily accessible in your mind, set aside some time to think about what you see him as most identified with in his life, and then reflect back a compliment to him related to those themes.
Now on to the second type of compliments.
Everyone has insecurities. Man, woman, and child. Doesn’t matter.
What things is your unique man particularly insecure about that you are aware of? Are any of those insecurities mind boggling to you? For example, perhaps your man is self-conscious about his body because he’s gained a few pounds, and yet you love that he isn’t as skinny as he used to be. If this is the case, tell him. Let it be known. He may attempt to resist your compliment (‘You’re just saying that’) because your praise is touching on a soft spot for him… but persist with the compliment until you feel his position soften a bit. Even if he seems to only let it in 10% of the way, your words likely mean more to him than he is able to express to you in the moment.
Again, the compliment being genuine matters above all else. Don’t just say things because you think he wants to hear them.
Sit down, write up a list of things you love about him, and then make a concerted effort to bring one of those things to him once per week for a few months, and watch him grow in his confidence and his connection to you.
4. Speak from your feelings instead of making demands
Alright, here comes another winner. The adoption or ignorance of this one small (but necessary) shift in communication can make or break a relationship.
What’s one societal trope that men in mainstream media always complain about? They complain about their partner being a nag. A nag, in this instance, is simply someone who is demanding, and/or asks a lot of their partner… often with a harsh tone to go along with their requests.
But here’s the kicker… it isn’t about the fact that women are somehow supposed to be needless and not ask for anything (not in the slightest)… it’s the WAY that they ask that can erode the quality of the relationship. Here’s why.
An intimate relationship needs some sense of polarity in order to function well. In other words, in every moment, it’s ideal that one partner is embodying the masculine charge, and the other partner is embodying the feminine. Again/as always, this has nothing to do with gender or orientation – at all.
So when a woman demands that her boyfriend/husband take out the trash, it isn’t necessarily the fact that she’s asking for something to be done that is the issue, it’s that in the way that she is asking for it to be done, she is killing the polarity between them. That’s the real issue.
Here are some examples of what most people do, and what is a more beneficial way of going about those same situation.
– Saying “Give me your coat” is a demand. Saying “Brrr… I’m cold” isn’t. The latter gives the man the opportunity to respond to your statement by doing something about it that he gets to make the decision on.
– Asking, “I’m starving… why don’t you ever make dinner for us anymore?” will kill polarity (being criticized, even subtly, doesn’t feel sexy for anyone). Saying, “Mmmm… I’m starting to get hungry” is an invitation that he can respond to while maintaining the charge of polarity.
– Saying, “When was the last time you planned a date night for us? It feels like it’s been forever…” will kill polarity. Saying, “I’d love to do something fun with you soon!”, is an invitation for him to fill in the gaps of creating a fun activity for the two of you.
The common through line in these examples is that the person asking is speaking from their feelings (cold, hungry, desire for fun), as opposed to making direct demands.
5. Make your own pleasure and happiness a priority
Ultimately, there is nothing more attractive than a person who is brimming with their own authentic joy.
If you’ve been feeling like you’re in a rut lately, this can often lead to feelings of disconnection and dissatisfaction in a relationship. And, unfortunately, the only way out is through. If you feel misaligned, stuck, or stagnant in your life, you have to do the hard work of getting yourself unstuck. Only you know where your true bliss lives.
When you prioritize yourself in this way, and set up your life so that you are brimming with joy, there is no greater gift you can give (to yourself, and to your partner). While I don’t subscribe to the ‘happy wife, happy life’ saying (as it reeks of codependency and emotional enmeshment), there is something to be said about it being much easier to be in a relationship with someone who cares about themselves highly enough to put their own happiness first.
Remember, you are both ultimately responsible for your own happiness. Your partner isn’t a mind reader, and neither are you. You’re responsible for getting your own needs met, and once you do, you can bring your resulting joy to the relationship as the gift that it is.
6. Give him your full trust more often
If you tend to second guess your man endlessly (in your head or out loud), he will inevitably feel this and slowly grow to resent you. The masculine wants to be trusted deeply. In fact, just last week one of my male clients said, “The greatest thing my wife could tell me is ‘I trust you.’ Nine times out of ten, that means more to me from her than I love you.”
Instead of questioning his every decision, give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Make generous assumptions about how he moves through his life. But only if you truly trust the man you are with. If you don’t trust him and you have lost respect for him, then that’s a whole other conversation (and you may need to have a difficult talk with him, or possibly even dissolve the partnership).
Try practicing full trust with him at different times throughout your relationship.
– When he is driving the car that you are in the passenger seat of, let go of all control in your mind about how he is driving or what route he is taking. Trust his masculine direction, and drop in to your full feminine flow.
– When you are making love and he is penetrating your body… breathe him all the way in to you. Let his presence penetrate all the way to your heart. Fully surrender to the moment and trust in the way that he wants to make love to you in that moment. Let go fully, and your sexual and emotional connection will improve.
– When he makes dinner for you, don’t criticize his decisions on what he chose to make, or the specifics of how he made it. Trust that everything he is doing is coming from a place of love, and he is doing his absolute best. All he wants to do is please you and serve your heart so that it is filled with love. Trust in his process for how he attempts to get to that goal. If your mind starts to backslide into judgment, fear, control, or anxiety, then take a deep breath, and soften back into trust.
The ego loves control. The mind loves control. But not the heart. The heart knows nothing of control. It trusts fully. It loves fully.
So take a vacation from perpetually being on guard… judging and trying to control the moment… and drop in to your heart. Trust your man totally, in moments of your choosing, and he will feel inspired to act like your king more often.
7. Get in touch with your feminine energy
You become more attractive to your man by embracing your sense of feminine aliveness. Bolstering your inner radiance. Getting in touch with your own heart and allowing it to shine brightly through how you show up in your life, and by extension, in your relationship.
But this isn’t always an easy thing to do, especially if you have pre-existing blocks around stepping into the fullness of your feminine heart.
Getting in touch with your feminine energy can often be difficult for certain women for a number of reasons.
– You have an unresolved emotional wound with your mother that you haven’t yet faced (and you swore to never be like her in X, Y, and Z ways).
– Maybe you shut off your feminine energy because it wasn’t safe to be radiant at some earlier point in your life.
– Maybe you were raised in a patriarchal society that prioritized masculine energy (be productive, get to the point, put on a suit and de-prioritize joy), and leaned on your more archetypically masculine traits to fit in.
If you haven’t read my article 8 Powerful Exercises To Increase Your Feminine Energy, I’d recommend checking it out.
The short version of it is this: cultivate your relationship to your inner feminine. Move your body. Wear things that make you feel beautiful. Make space for play and lightness in your life. Allow yourself to receive in different areas of your life (gifts, massages, meals, people holding space for you, etc.).
Or, if connecting to your inner feminine looks nothing like the above list, then trust that and do what feels right for you.
8. Invest in your hygiene
Hygiene is important for everyone in a relationship. But it’s not just for the benefit of it being easier and more pleasant to look at and be close to a buffed-up, nice-smelling person, but more for what the fact that you’re investing in your hygiene says about your relationship to yourself.
In essence, putting effort into your hygiene says that you care about yourself. You care about yourself enough to put energy into the daily maintenance of your body. And that you’re engaging in these behaviours in order to honour your relationship to yourself, and to the relationship.
This doesn’t have to be anything crazy.
In the same way that you can turn a messy bedroom into a tidy one with 5-10 minutes of daily upkeep, so too can you transform an unkempt appearance into an attractive, pleasant smelling, nice to touch exterior.
When we’re young, it’s much easier to identify as our bodies. And as we age, these attachments (to being perceived ‘as’ our bodies) tend to soften. In many ways, this is a blessing. We can finally let go of the self-obsession and anxiety that comes part and parcel with constantly fretting over our appearance.
But don’t let your relationship backslide to the point where you don’t give your body and appearance the time and attention they deserve.